Nataraj Express

Journey to the Self


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Una respiración más

En el proceso de ser, me pregunto, qué debo hacer?
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Y allí está la trampa… Hacer, hacer, hacer.
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Cuando me encuentro frente a frente con el vacío de no saber cómo avanzar, ni cómo estar quieta, volver a mi respiración es lo que me salva.
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Esos breves instantes en los cuales me concentro en inhalar y exhalar, crean un abismo de silencio interior, que no me da miedo. Me propone un espacio en el que crear desde el centro de mí misma.
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Y respiro… Y dejo ir de la idea de tener que estar haciendo algo todo el tiempo para sentirme digna de esta existencia.
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La vida es así, con sus ciclos. Unas veces sabemos qué queremos, y cómo conseguirlo. Otras veces, debemos nadar en lo desconocido. Ser valientes y aguantar en la oscuridad, que al fin y al cabo es la misma que nutre la
semilla bajo tierra.

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Ser. Nada más por una inhalación. Nada más por otra exhalación. Y al abrir los ojos, en un ‘ahora’ de algún tiempo, puede que tengamos la respuesta que buscábamos, o puede que no necesitemos buscar más.
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Ser. Una respiración más.


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Here

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I realise now that the path changes as we walk it.
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From searching, looking, and grasping for answers, to the return home to oneself and back into the world. The sacred in the ordinary, the need of accepting our humanness, and not only our divine counterpart.
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To be here, in this moment, with no regrets for whatever happened. To know what we have lived is part of our cellular making, each moment a part of the flow of blood through our veins,and through those parts of us that never go away even after death. The lessons embeded in our souls.
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Someone asked me long ago why I needed to travel far and wide as I used to. I did, because I thought what I was looking for couldn’t be found surrounded by those who thought they knew me and loved me as I was. I didn’t know myself so I couldn’t admit others thought they did. I didn’t love myself enough. I thought changing my surroundings every few months was perfect, no rooting, no attachments, just going with the flow. No one to judge or have an opinion. But also, no community, no sense of belonging except to an invisible truth that we are all connected.
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If you ask me today the same question, everything is different. I see in perspective I was just running away from the clearest possible answer to all my questions; there is nothing to search for that isn’t here right now. There is nowhere to go but here. There is nothing to do, but be. There is no universal Truth, but many individual paths.
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Like the great master Dogen said, “if you are unable to find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?”.
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I would say we don’t ‘find’ truth, happiness, joy, or anything. I think we just learn to realise they have always been here.
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Grateful for being here with those I love the most.


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Love


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When I was very young, just a little girl, I remember having this constant need of finding ‘love’, of feeling it, of wanting it from everyone. I also thought of ‘love’ many times as the romantic type love, the one that fuels up with passion, but ends the same way, disintegrated by the great fires it creates. This need to be seen, adored, taken care of, loved… I thought was the way to happiness. I wrote a lot of poetry filled with this longing my heart used to ache for.

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With time I slowly started growing older, and learning so much from life and my experiences, but even more, from the inner work I have been doing with myself for a very long time. And in this, the greatest journey of my life back home to myself, I realised that what I was looking for could not be found by wanting others to validate my existence and choices, or by wanting everyone to agree with me and love me, but by serving the world and everyone I can to find their own peace of mind and happiness in being who we all really are. Being. Not doing.

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I don’t want people to love me, I want people to love themselves. To truly love every bit and aspect of our being gives us freedom, choice, and shows us the complete truth of how connected everyone and everything is. When we all learn to love all of the parts of ourselves unconditionally, we can then live in this world from an inner perspective of wholeness.  Complete already. Whole. Filling the void and the longing for anything can only be done through inner workings of our Self. We won’t need anything external to remind us that we ourselves are Love.

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