Nataraj Express

Journey to the Self


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On the journey

Wanting to feel understood, validated, heard… without wanting to be seen.These contradictions that make up most of life. My life at least!
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I wonder what happened to that person I once was that wasn’t afraid or shy of anything? All that extroverted action has made the pendulum swing extremely to the other side for the past months… Maybe years if I am honest. The more “out in the world” I have been for these past 7 years, the inner and inner I have journeyed. And now… I am too comfortable in the dark. In endings.
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The fires of the past are turning to ashes. I know you feel it too. Soon things will be shaken, and rebirth of a new something will rise. I am too comfortable in this darkness, in this silence, in this void. But this time I am prepared for change, because I have truly integrated into my being that this is all there is.
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When I am too comfortable in the still ocean of potentiality, I don’t allow action to unfold and materialise. We need it all, the raw potential of being, and the journey into becoming.


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Here

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I realise now that the path changes as we walk it.
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From searching, looking, and grasping for answers, to the return home to oneself and back into the world. The sacred in the ordinary, the need of accepting our humanness, and not only our divine counterpart.
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To be here, in this moment, with no regrets for whatever happened. To know what we have lived is part of our cellular making, each moment a part of the flow of blood through our veins,and through those parts of us that never go away even after death. The lessons embeded in our souls.
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Someone asked me long ago why I needed to travel far and wide as I used to. I did, because I thought what I was looking for couldn’t be found surrounded by those who thought they knew me and loved me as I was. I didn’t know myself so I couldn’t admit others thought they did. I didn’t love myself enough. I thought changing my surroundings every few months was perfect, no rooting, no attachments, just going with the flow. No one to judge or have an opinion. But also, no community, no sense of belonging except to an invisible truth that we are all connected.
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If you ask me today the same question, everything is different. I see in perspective I was just running away from the clearest possible answer to all my questions; there is nothing to search for that isn’t here right now. There is nowhere to go but here. There is nothing to do, but be. There is no universal Truth, but many individual paths.
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Like the great master Dogen said, “if you are unable to find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?”.
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I would say we don’t ‘find’ truth, happiness, joy, or anything. I think we just learn to realise they have always been here.
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Grateful for being here with those I love the most.


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Love


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When I was very young, just a little girl, I remember having this constant need of finding ‘love’, of feeling it, of wanting it from everyone. I also thought of ‘love’ many times as the romantic type love, the one that fuels up with passion, but ends the same way, disintegrated by the great fires it creates. This need to be seen, adored, taken care of, loved… I thought was the way to happiness. I wrote a lot of poetry filled with this longing my heart used to ache for.

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With time I slowly started growing older, and learning so much from life and my experiences, but even more, from the inner work I have been doing with myself for a very long time. And in this, the greatest journey of my life back home to myself, I realised that what I was looking for could not be found by wanting others to validate my existence and choices, or by wanting everyone to agree with me and love me, but by serving the world and everyone I can to find their own peace of mind and happiness in being who we all really are. Being. Not doing.

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I don’t want people to love me, I want people to love themselves. To truly love every bit and aspect of our being gives us freedom, choice, and shows us the complete truth of how connected everyone and everything is. When we all learn to love all of the parts of ourselves unconditionally, we can then live in this world from an inner perspective of wholeness.  Complete already. Whole. Filling the void and the longing for anything can only be done through inner workings of our Self. We won’t need anything external to remind us that we ourselves are Love.

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Who I Am


If I were to be anything else than what I am, I could only become Me again.

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I am not my thoughts.
I am not my feelings.
I am not my emotions.
I am not my job.
I am not my responsibilities.
I am not my success.
Or my failures.
I am not what I own.
Or what I know.
I am not even my own choices.
Nor the causes and consequences.
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Who I am, I am behind all of this.
Who we are, is beyond the I.
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Becoming. Being. I Am.
🖤


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Returning

To sit for a few moments a day in complete stillness, just a few breaths, makes all the difference in my life. I remember those years when I never stopped; moving, thinking, doing.

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I know a silent sitting meditation practice is not for everyone, that’s why there are millions of ways to tune in. But for me, this practice brings me back to myself and makes me realise how nothing is ever completely still, how impermanence is the root of living, and how emptiness is the essence of all possibilities.

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Why do you practice? Why do I practice?

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I ask myself this question constantly. If I am honest, I still have a reason to do it, and it is to understand my mind, and the all encompassing Mind. To know myself and therefore know Existence and All that Is. But deep inside I feel I have a long way to go until I finally practice just to practice, without expectation, without attachment to the ‘fruits of my actions’.

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Accepting I am human and I desire things, even if it is things like peace of mind, has been my long forgotten lesson, on repeat constantly. I don’t know exactly why I am so afraid of admitting this to myself, and why I deny myself the opportunity of committing mistakes, but I am working on it.

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I use my practice of movement and sitting as a tool to live on this earth in this moment in time. I use different methods until they stop working for me to deal with suffering or with the fear of the unknown. And yoga, philosophy, meditation and art have been my tools for as long as I can remember.

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It isn’t an easy path, the journey towards the centre of Oneself, but I can’t not choose it. Something in me knows this is my path, and it has always been. This journey of becoming, of returning home. Remembering I was never gone…