Nataraj Express

Journey to the Self


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Bye 2018

I was trying to remember where I was for the past years in these end of year dates, and I realised how my memory is going back to it’s original state of non-linear recognition of time frames.
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What stays with us is the lesson learned, the experience lived, the actual essence and wisdom of whatever “seems” to happen and how we “interpret” it.
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It is very interesting to grow older… So many things can only make sense in time. As most of you know by now as I repeat it often, since I am small I have this longing to be old.
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I am grateful. Truly grateful to be able to have these thoughts. To be able to have enough love, food, money, comfort, so that my main focus is not survival, but learning, remembering and serving.
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I think of this often. Along with death, maybe it’s what I most think about. To be able to feel, express, analise, observe, experiment, search for the way out of suffering, live in these ways, can only be truly fulfilled with constant atention and practice. And to do this, one cannot be hungry, or in danger… Or at least one’s priorities will surely be different in each situation.
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To be, a student of one’s own life and existence. For me, that is the greatest gift of my present life. Thank you.
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I don’t know why I feel this is a seed. Something growing in me. A change of direction maybe in the way I serve and offer myself. I just know what makes my heart sing, and for a long time now, I feel I need to get closer to being a bridge somehow, with learning how to die, so we can learn how to live. Living and dying in community. With learning how to see situations from very large perspectives. Who knows, not me, but I am happy to continue flowing with my intuition as my guide.
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On the journey

Wanting to feel understood, validated, heard… without wanting to be seen.These contradictions that make up most of life. My life at least!
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I wonder what happened to that person I once was that wasn’t afraid or shy of anything? All that extroverted action has made the pendulum swing extremely to the other side for the past months… Maybe years if I am honest. The more “out in the world” I have been for these past 7 years, the inner and inner I have journeyed. And now… I am too comfortable in the dark. In endings.
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The fires of the past are turning to ashes. I know you feel it too. Soon things will be shaken, and rebirth of a new something will rise. I am too comfortable in this darkness, in this silence, in this void. But this time I am prepared for change, because I have truly integrated into my being that this is all there is.
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When I am too comfortable in the still ocean of potentiality, I don’t allow action to unfold and materialise. We need it all, the raw potential of being, and the journey into becoming.


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Here

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I realise now that the path changes as we walk it.
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From searching, looking, and grasping for answers, to the return home to oneself and back into the world. The sacred in the ordinary, the need of accepting our humanness, and not only our divine counterpart.
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To be here, in this moment, with no regrets for whatever happened. To know what we have lived is part of our cellular making, each moment a part of the flow of blood through our veins,and through those parts of us that never go away even after death. The lessons embeded in our souls.
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Someone asked me long ago why I needed to travel far and wide as I used to. I did, because I thought what I was looking for couldn’t be found surrounded by those who thought they knew me and loved me as I was. I didn’t know myself so I couldn’t admit others thought they did. I didn’t love myself enough. I thought changing my surroundings every few months was perfect, no rooting, no attachments, just going with the flow. No one to judge or have an opinion. But also, no community, no sense of belonging except to an invisible truth that we are all connected.
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If you ask me today the same question, everything is different. I see in perspective I was just running away from the clearest possible answer to all my questions; there is nothing to search for that isn’t here right now. There is nowhere to go but here. There is nothing to do, but be. There is no universal Truth, but many individual paths.
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Like the great master Dogen said, “if you are unable to find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?”.
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I would say we don’t ‘find’ truth, happiness, joy, or anything. I think we just learn to realise they have always been here.
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Grateful for being here with those I love the most.


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Love


🌸

When I was very young, just a little girl, I remember having this constant need of finding ‘love’, of feeling it, of wanting it from everyone. I also thought of ‘love’ many times as the romantic type love, the one that fuels up with passion, but ends the same way, disintegrated by the great fires it creates. This need to be seen, adored, taken care of, loved… I thought was the way to happiness. I wrote a lot of poetry filled with this longing my heart used to ache for.

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With time I slowly started growing older, and learning so much from life and my experiences, but even more, from the inner work I have been doing with myself for a very long time. And in this, the greatest journey of my life back home to myself, I realised that what I was looking for could not be found by wanting others to validate my existence and choices, or by wanting everyone to agree with me and love me, but by serving the world and everyone I can to find their own peace of mind and happiness in being who we all really are. Being. Not doing.

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I don’t want people to love me, I want people to love themselves. To truly love every bit and aspect of our being gives us freedom, choice, and shows us the complete truth of how connected everyone and everything is. When we all learn to love all of the parts of ourselves unconditionally, we can then live in this world from an inner perspective of wholeness.  Complete already. Whole. Filling the void and the longing for anything can only be done through inner workings of our Self. We won’t need anything external to remind us that we ourselves are Love.

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Who I Am


If I were to be anything else than what I am, I could only become Me again.

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I am not my thoughts.
I am not my feelings.
I am not my emotions.
I am not my job.
I am not my responsibilities.
I am not my success.
Or my failures.
I am not what I own.
Or what I know.
I am not even my own choices.
Nor the causes and consequences.
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Who I am, I am behind all of this.
Who we are, is beyond the I.
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Becoming. Being. I Am.
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