Nataraj Express

Journey to the Self


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Love


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When I was very young, just a little girl, I remember having this constant need of finding ‘love’, of feeling it, of wanting it from everyone. I also thought of ‘love’ many times as the romantic type love, the one that fuels up with passion, but ends the same way, disintegrated by the great fires it creates. This need to be seen, adored, taken care of, loved… I thought was the way to happiness. I wrote a lot of poetry filled with this longing my heart used to ache for.

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With time I slowly started growing older, and learning so much from life and my experiences, but even more, from the inner work I have been doing with myself for a very long time. And in this, the greatest journey of my life back home to myself, I realised that what I was looking for could not be found by wanting others to validate my existence and choices, or by wanting everyone to agree with me and love me, but by serving the world and everyone I can to find their own peace of mind and happiness in being who we all really are. Being. Not doing.

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I don’t want people to love me, I want people to love themselves. To truly love every bit and aspect of our being gives us freedom, choice, and shows us the complete truth of how connected everyone and everything is. When we all learn to love all of the parts of ourselves unconditionally, we can then live in this world from an inner perspective of wholeness.  Complete already. Whole. Filling the void and the longing for anything can only be done through inner workings of our Self. We won’t need anything external to remind us that we ourselves are Love.

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Who I Am


If I were to be anything else than what I am, I could only become Me again.

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I am not my thoughts.
I am not my feelings.
I am not my emotions.
I am not my job.
I am not my responsibilities.
I am not my success.
Or my failures.
I am not what I own.
Or what I know.
I am not even my own choices.
Nor the causes and consequences.
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Who I am, I am behind all of this.
Who we are, is beyond the I.
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Becoming. Being. I Am.
🖤


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Returning

To sit for a few moments a day in complete stillness, just a few breaths, makes all the difference in my life. I remember those years when I never stopped; moving, thinking, doing.

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I know a silent sitting meditation practice is not for everyone, that’s why there are millions of ways to tune in. But for me, this practice brings me back to myself and makes me realise how nothing is ever completely still, how impermanence is the root of living, and how emptiness is the essence of all possibilities.

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Why do you practice? Why do I practice?

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I ask myself this question constantly. If I am honest, I still have a reason to do it, and it is to understand my mind, and the all encompassing Mind. To know myself and therefore know Existence and All that Is. But deep inside I feel I have a long way to go until I finally practice just to practice, without expectation, without attachment to the ‘fruits of my actions’.

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Accepting I am human and I desire things, even if it is things like peace of mind, has been my long forgotten lesson, on repeat constantly. I don’t know exactly why I am so afraid of admitting this to myself, and why I deny myself the opportunity of committing mistakes, but I am working on it.

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I use my practice of movement and sitting as a tool to live on this earth in this moment in time. I use different methods until they stop working for me to deal with suffering or with the fear of the unknown. And yoga, philosophy, meditation and art have been my tools for as long as I can remember.

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It isn’t an easy path, the journey towards the centre of Oneself, but I can’t not choose it. Something in me knows this is my path, and it has always been. This journey of becoming, of returning home. Remembering I was never gone…


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Endings

Goodbye again Madrid.

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New endings, and new beginnings. Another turn around the spiral.

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I feel I have seen the patterns of my life unfold before me since the solstice. I cannot unsee what I now see. Who I am. I am.

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The sky, stars, my emotions, the earth and the blood in my veins flowing in an endless river of experience.

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It is truly time to trust myself and life.

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With my family by my side, and also behind me. All my ancestors, my past, all teachings and lessons letting me know I will be able to take one breath at a time if I only stay here and now in this journey of becoming.

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I will never know the ‘why’ of everything. But for now all I need is to feel, to love, to live, and be open to what I do know, that I am grateful for it all.

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Life lessons

Duality – by me


There is this lesson everyone mentions at least once in their life where they start paying more attention to the people who actually love and support them, and leave or let go of those who don’t. Toxic people, relationships, environments, jobs, etc.

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This is a great way to keep safe, to keep protected, to live with motivation, to feel some kind of belonging. It is great to keep someone or something that makes us suffer away from us. It also makes me think a lot about how this is also separation, another type of illusion, of false safety.

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If we only surround ourselves with those who think like us, or with comfortable situations, aren’t we closing the door to learning new things? To experiencing other aspects of life? Like learning how to disagree in an argument without losing respect; like learning to love and appreciate someone whose life choices you don’t necessarily agree with; or simply learning things outside of your comfort zone?

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I feel I have learnt the most when I look back and I appreciate the ‘difficult’ moments and relationships of my life. When things are flowing, and all is good, I am thankful, I enjoy the peace, but I also continue learning from those past experiences and analysing them, and seeing how they feel after a while. The same thing I do with my beliefs, opinions, values, thoughts. I revisit them again and again, because they change as much as life, reality, existence, does.

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From the actual absorption of those lessons, after a bit of time, I feel confident enough that the next time I am faced with a similar situation, I will first stop, breathe, and then act. If I don’t, because I am not capable of catching myself in time before reacting to a trigger, I try to treat myself with love and compassion. Try again and again. Creating a habit.

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What is clear to me is that life itself is a constant practice, and for that, I am thankful. I truly feel that being an eternal student of life and of myself is all I ever need. Forever practicing in this journey.