Nataraj Express

Journey to the Self


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Endings

Goodbye again Madrid.

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New endings, and new beginnings. Another turn around the spiral.

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I feel I have seen the patterns of my life unfold before me since the solstice. I cannot unsee what I now see. Who I am. I am.

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The sky, stars, my emotions, the earth and the blood in my veins flowing in an endless river of experience.

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It is truly time to trust myself and life.

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With my family by my side, and also behind me. All my ancestors, my past, all teachings and lessons letting me know I will be able to take one breath at a time if I only stay here and now in this journey of becoming.

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I will never know the ‘why’ of everything. But for now all I need is to feel, to love, to live, and be open to what I do know, that I am grateful for it all.

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Life lessons

Duality – by me


There is this lesson everyone mentions at least once in their life where they start paying more attention to the people who actually love and support them, and leave or let go of those who don’t. Toxic people, relationships, environments, jobs, etc.

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This is a great way to keep safe, to keep protected, to live with motivation, to feel some kind of belonging. It is great to keep someone or something that makes us suffer away from us. It also makes me think a lot about how this is also separation, another type of illusion, of false safety.

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If we only surround ourselves with those who think like us, or with comfortable situations, aren’t we closing the door to learning new things? To experiencing other aspects of life? Like learning how to disagree in an argument without losing respect; like learning to love and appreciate someone whose life choices you don’t necessarily agree with; or simply learning things outside of your comfort zone?

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I feel I have learnt the most when I look back and I appreciate the ‘difficult’ moments and relationships of my life. When things are flowing, and all is good, I am thankful, I enjoy the peace, but I also continue learning from those past experiences and analysing them, and seeing how they feel after a while. The same thing I do with my beliefs, opinions, values, thoughts. I revisit them again and again, because they change as much as life, reality, existence, does.

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From the actual absorption of those lessons, after a bit of time, I feel confident enough that the next time I am faced with a similar situation, I will first stop, breathe, and then act. If I don’t, because I am not capable of catching myself in time before reacting to a trigger, I try to treat myself with love and compassion. Try again and again. Creating a habit.

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What is clear to me is that life itself is a constant practice, and for that, I am thankful. I truly feel that being an eternal student of life and of myself is all I ever need. Forever practicing in this journey.


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As It Is

When we live from within the world changes. Not because it stops being what is has always been, but because the way we see and relate to it is different.

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There are as many ways to view life and the world as there are people and perspectives. Each of us walks through life on a different path. Every one of us experiences reality in a personal manner, from a personal view point.

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Why this need to be tagged, compared, judged? Why this need to be something we are not?

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The more time I breathe in this body, living this life, the less I know why and how we got everything so mixed up. The more time I live my life from within, the less I care how it looks from without.

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Because I know. I truly know that nothing is absolute, there is no absolute reality, no absolute beauty, or truth. Everything is always changing. So am I. So are you. And I think that is a miracle. To be able to always flow and never stagnate.

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When doubt and fear creep in and I start seeing the world with dark glasses, I surrender the thoughts and emotions to the ocean, or to the greater Knowledge of what is. I know in a while, I can see things as they are, not as I want them to be.


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Breath, what else?

Sometimes, in my life, I am in this clear space where I catch myself instantly spiraling down the negative self-talk path.
But these times I talk about are different than those others when I let myself go without knowing;  when I let the pain eat me alive. When I let my suffering weigh me down as if it was the only thing important in this existence. Me? As if anything really mattered.
During these few times of encountering my thoughts and feelings with a spacious mind I can observe everything; my physical sensations and how my stomach hurts, I feel my heart beating faster, I feel a bit of anger mixed with so much sadness, but I also feel my breath… oh what would I be if I couldn’t observe my breath.
Breath.
This anchor that has left me steady in the greatest storms, sometimes, when I let it guide me.
Other times I ignore it, I ignore my body, I block away the awareness, and I just spiral down into self destruction.
But these days, oh these amazing days when I see it coming, I am just so grateful for my practice.
Breath is all I need, I don’t know why I keep looking for more.


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I need to let go


When I was a little girl, I was physically punished/abused many years by my caretakers/nannies.

I was so terrified of the consequences that I never told my parents, or anyone, except for one of my sisters, who is only a year younger than me and suffered the same fate. We were so afraid of telling anyone. That experience has shaped us and brought us so close.

Everyday at night, those ladies used to ask us “what did you do wrong today?” assuming and making us look for something “bad” we had done and then punish us accordingly by hitting us in different ways.

For a very long time I thought I was over this. I thought I didn’t have any traumas, or anything. I thought I was already passed that point. But I guess some memories are coming back to me now for a reason. To heal.

When I was 9 something happened in me and my fear of them turned into rage and I exploded confessing everything to one of my best friends who was older than me, and she took action by telling her mom, my mom, and those nannies were vanished from our house and lives forever.

But the pain from that experience I am sure lives in all of us involved still.

Like my fear. Like my rage. Like my guilt.

I do not know how I have only realised now, when I am almost 32, that this is one of the biggest reasons I am how I am.

This is why I like limits, and laws, and rules of behaviour because it makes me feel safe that if I am “good” and “perfect” inside what is asked of me, I will not be punished.

This is why I am incapable of reacting to things not going the way I want with nothing else but frustration and anger. Because I am terrified. Terrified that if I am not “a good girl” something horrible is going to happen to me or the ones I love. Like my sister. I was supposed to save her, protect her, and I just kept silent.

This is why I have so much guilt and shame. I feel so ashamed I didn’t say anything.

Working with my Shadow has opened up a whole new level of understanding for me. I still don’t know what to do about all this, but I am happy I see it. Even if I am opening the wound a bit, I need to see deeper, I need to know, to feel.

I need to let go.