Nataraj Express

Journey to the Self


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Returning

To sit for a few moments a day in complete stillness, just a few breaths, makes all the difference in my life. I remember those years when I never stopped; moving, thinking, doing.

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I know a silent sitting meditation practice is not for everyone, that’s why there are millions of ways to tune in. But for me, this practice brings me back to myself and makes me realise how nothing is ever completely still, how impermanence is the root of living, and how emptiness is the essence of all possibilities.

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Why do you practice? Why do I practice?

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I ask myself this question constantly. If I am honest, I still have a reason to do it, and it is to understand my mind, and the all encompassing Mind. To know myself and therefore know Existence and All that Is. But deep inside I feel I have a long way to go until I finally practice just to practice, without expectation, without attachment to the ‘fruits of my actions’.

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Accepting I am human and I desire things, even if it is things like peace of mind, has been my long forgotten lesson, on repeat constantly. I don’t know exactly why I am so afraid of admitting this to myself, and why I deny myself the opportunity of committing mistakes, but I am working on it.

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I use my practice of movement and sitting as a tool to live on this earth in this moment in time. I use different methods until they stop working for me to deal with suffering or with the fear of the unknown. And yoga, philosophy, meditation and art have been my tools for as long as I can remember.

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It isn’t an easy path, the journey towards the centre of Oneself, but I can’t not choose it. Something in me knows this is my path, and it has always been. This journey of becoming, of returning home. Remembering I was never gone…


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Endings

Goodbye again Madrid.

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New endings, and new beginnings. Another turn around the spiral.

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I feel I have seen the patterns of my life unfold before me since the solstice. I cannot unsee what I now see. Who I am. I am.

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The sky, stars, my emotions, the earth and the blood in my veins flowing in an endless river of experience.

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It is truly time to trust myself and life.

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With my family by my side, and also behind me. All my ancestors, my past, all teachings and lessons letting me know I will be able to take one breath at a time if I only stay here and now in this journey of becoming.

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I will never know the ‘why’ of everything. But for now all I need is to feel, to love, to live, and be open to what I do know, that I am grateful for it all.

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Life lessons

Duality – by me


There is this lesson everyone mentions at least once in their life where they start paying more attention to the people who actually love and support them, and leave or let go of those who don’t. Toxic people, relationships, environments, jobs, etc.

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This is a great way to keep safe, to keep protected, to live with motivation, to feel some kind of belonging. It is great to keep someone or something that makes us suffer away from us. It also makes me think a lot about how this is also separation, another type of illusion, of false safety.

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If we only surround ourselves with those who think like us, or with comfortable situations, aren’t we closing the door to learning new things? To experiencing other aspects of life? Like learning how to disagree in an argument without losing respect; like learning to love and appreciate someone whose life choices you don’t necessarily agree with; or simply learning things outside of your comfort zone?

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I feel I have learnt the most when I look back and I appreciate the ‘difficult’ moments and relationships of my life. When things are flowing, and all is good, I am thankful, I enjoy the peace, but I also continue learning from those past experiences and analysing them, and seeing how they feel after a while. The same thing I do with my beliefs, opinions, values, thoughts. I revisit them again and again, because they change as much as life, reality, existence, does.

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From the actual absorption of those lessons, after a bit of time, I feel confident enough that the next time I am faced with a similar situation, I will first stop, breathe, and then act. If I don’t, because I am not capable of catching myself in time before reacting to a trigger, I try to treat myself with love and compassion. Try again and again. Creating a habit.

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What is clear to me is that life itself is a constant practice, and for that, I am thankful. I truly feel that being an eternal student of life and of myself is all I ever need. Forever practicing in this journey.


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As It Is

When we live from within the world changes. Not because it stops being what is has always been, but because the way we see and relate to it is different.

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There are as many ways to view life and the world as there are people and perspectives. Each of us walks through life on a different path. Every one of us experiences reality in a personal manner, from a personal view point.

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Why this need to be tagged, compared, judged? Why this need to be something we are not?

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The more time I breathe in this body, living this life, the less I know why and how we got everything so mixed up. The more time I live my life from within, the less I care how it looks from without.

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Because I know. I truly know that nothing is absolute, there is no absolute reality, no absolute beauty, or truth. Everything is always changing. So am I. So are you. And I think that is a miracle. To be able to always flow and never stagnate.

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When doubt and fear creep in and I start seeing the world with dark glasses, I surrender the thoughts and emotions to the ocean, or to the greater Knowledge of what is. I know in a while, I can see things as they are, not as I want them to be.


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Breath, what else?

Sometimes, in my life, I am in this clear space where I catch myself instantly spiraling down the negative self-talk path.
But these times I talk about are different than those others when I let myself go without knowing;  when I let the pain eat me alive. When I let my suffering weigh me down as if it was the only thing important in this existence. Me? As if anything really mattered.
During these few times of encountering my thoughts and feelings with a spacious mind I can observe everything; my physical sensations and how my stomach hurts, I feel my heart beating faster, I feel a bit of anger mixed with so much sadness, but I also feel my breath… oh what would I be if I couldn’t observe my breath.
Breath.
This anchor that has left me steady in the greatest storms, sometimes, when I let it guide me.
Other times I ignore it, I ignore my body, I block away the awareness, and I just spiral down into self destruction.
But these days, oh these amazing days when I see it coming, I am just so grateful for my practice.
Breath is all I need, I don’t know why I keep looking for more.